Sometimes, the struggle of a soldier cannot be imagined by the mind of a citizen. But, you have to remember that a soldier started out as just that. Stripped to our bare, we are all humans. We all fuck up, get emotional, become greedy and selfish, feel pain, and find our way to some ounce of pleasure. The difference between us is not our color or appearances, it is how we go about all those things. You, out of many people in this world, can do these things in such a beneficial way.
When you fuck up, you don't go on thinking that you were in the right all along. You stop to reflect, and make the bad into good. You recently lost someone because of a "fuck up", but you realized what happen and why it went down the way it did. You always learn something about yourself and the people that surround you. You can fuck up as many times as possible, but it will never ruin you. It only betters you. Keep that going. It is a rare skill that even the basic of people cannot master. Take everything as a leaning experience, just like you do now.
When you make decisions that may seem selfish or greedy, you have to understand that everyone does that. You dedicated your life to many of your friends and classmates. You keep giving and your kindness sometimes goes unacknowledged. That's life in a nutshell. But, don't let that be your whole life. You have to worry about you now. You can't let the empire that is Ashley to fall on account of someone who doesn't care to see it prosper. Plain and Simple. Be selfish and be greedy. You're American, you have the natural urge to be. Don't let that be your whole life either. Balance it out, but keep your self in the center of it all. It is YOUR life, after all.
It's okay to feel how you are feeling now. You are hurt, you are heartbroken. You are lost in the chaos that is your life. It's OKAY! I think sometimes, you try to stop yourself from feeling the way you feel because you think it makes you something less than you. We all have feelings. We all have emotions, Ashley. You are an emotional person, not in the sense that you can't control your emotions. You are emotional in the sense that you can open yourself up to feel and let your emotions take their course. That's normal. More people should do it because bottling things up worsen the situation and never gets to sealing the deal. And that applies to the pain. Without pain, there is no pleasure. We all want happiness, even if it is a temporary pleasure. Find it, Ashley. Find it in the smallest things and the shortest moments. Don't be scared to take chances. You are such an open and willing person, and that is the beauty you hold. Don't lose it. Don't doubt yourself, you are nothing less than an amazing person who just happens to go through downfalls.
There is so much I can tell and advise you on, but you already know where I am trying to go with all of this. The things that make YOU are the things that should always shine. Those flaws, let them come out. You can't be perfect, even though you are a perfectionist in a weird way. You have friends that love you because of it all. I can only hope that this year brings more people around you to experience the beauty that is you. Remember that a soldier was once a citizen. No soldiers are ever born, they are created. It is through the things they endure and conquer that makes them stronger. Some people cannot get as far as this, but you did. You made yourself into a soldier by only enduring and staying true to your own purpose. And, God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. Never forget.
Sometimes, the struggle of a soldier cannot be imagined by the mind of a citizen. But, you have to remember that a soldier started out as just that. Ashley, you started as just that. Look how far you have gone, but don't forget how far you can go. The sky is just the starting line. Stay strong, Soldier, your battle isn't over.
Live Life & Go BEYOND IT.
-- Always Stay True,
Ashley M Lora