My life has done a complete 180. No, not a 360 -- That would only mean that it is back to where it was. It has become the complete opposite. I've alway known that my life was going to change, but I haven't gotten the chance to sit and think about it.
Less than a year ago, I wanted to be in college. I was ready to move out and be on my own. I was ready to enjoy the bitter freedom it granted, and the overwhelming responsibilities it placed upon me. Now, it doesn't seem the way it once did. I am not really happy even though I should be. I lost many people, and I don't know what step I should take next. I don't know how to react -- even worse, I don't know if I want to.
How do you go from familiarity and feeling love to being the newbie trying to replace your once-loved ones? I feel like I have the burden of trying to replace people because I feel alone if I don't. I feel alone now. The school year is ending, and I will be forced to go back home to the Bronx. I don't want to go back. I worked hard to get out of there, to get out of my house. It felt like four walls closing in -- I can't deal with that anymore. I have no option. I will have to go back to the problems I was happy to leave behind. I thought maybe trying to stay busy will fix it, but I don't want to have to do so much to be happy.
I will be working soon, especially once school ends for the summer. I feel like an express train to nowhere that just keeps going and going. I can't stop working hard because I will have to be forced to settle with reality. Ugh. How things have changed, my friends! When you want to go somewhere, there is so much to be done. There is so much that changes that I don't think anyone is really ready for. I know I am not. So how do I go about this?
The damage is done, so should I give up? That question is kind of stupid. I know what I want, and giving up won't get me anywhere close to that. I will keep going, but I just feel like it isn't worth the fight. I fought hard to keep some important people, and they left regardless. It is out of my hands at this point. Have you ever felt like that?
This isn't my usual post. It is one that comes from a true feeling that I believe we all share. Yes, it is pretty fucking sad, but we can't just make everything shiny and peachy because then where will be the authenticity?
So...
It's okay to feel the way we feel. As long as we acknowledge it and stay honest with ourselves, we can only grow from here. Understand?
Live Life & Go BEYOND it.
